Swirling in discontent.

I'm having one of those horrible phases in which I feel like I'm not living up to my potential. I have no idea what brought this about, but it's terrible.

I keep grappling with the fact that I'm not DOING anything with my life. I'm not making a difference, I'm not achieving anything, I'm not having life-changing adventures. I'm merely existing....watching the world rush past me....hardly partaking in anything.

Frustrating!

I'm trying to open myself up to the world. Although I'm extremely aware that not everything revolves around me, it's become sort of a default mindset. As I'm sure it has with most people (whether or not you realize it). I need to realize that every concern of every person is just as important as my own. Probably more so. I dunno, it kind of makes you feel guilty.

I talked to my mom today. Like I do most Sundays. She brought up my cousin Jeff. He was diagnosed with testicular cancer a few months ago but he responded well to chemo and things were going decently well. I guess the cancer spread and he keeps needing surgeries. This is the same thing that happened with his dad's cancer (my uncle) eight years ago. Except Jeff's wife is having a baby in two months.

My mother got an ear infection a couple weeks - maybe a month - ago. It got better, but it took all of the hearing in her right ear with it. She's deaf in one ear now. This terrifies me - I'm not ready for my mom to get old. I can already see signs of Alzheimer's disease in her. My grandmother had this, I guess it runs in the family. But she forgets things, she's so scattered sometimes. It's already hard and it hasn't even begun. Andy thinks it's funny, he laughs when I bring it up. I'm not prepared to consider my mother's mortality.

After my great aunt died, my mom went out to California for the funeral. She went in my grandfather's place - 94 is a little old to be flying. I talked to her twice while she was there. My mom told me how she felt like she belonged there, with those people. How happy she was. It's not that I didn't know she was unhappy - I did. But still. Ouch. My parents have been married for 32 and a half years. Two kids, two cats, a fish. I discussed this with my mom over winter break this year - one of the first really real conversations I've ever had with her. She admitted that she should have left my dad within the first three or four years of their marriage. But she didn't. She still should but I know she won't.

Sometimes Andy and I talk about when dad almost died - when his heart stopped while he was at work. We ask ourselves if we'd be better off if he had died. We decide yes, we would. This makes us terrible people, I'm completely accepting of that fact. But it's true.

This probably isn't the best place to put these thoughts. I'm banking on the fact that not many people read this.